NY TIMES, we offer you another edition of Tips the Parenting Magazines Won’t Tell You. We’ve gathered the best in parent Google searches to reveal new insight into the mysterious world of self-diagnosis.
We start with rashes, a wonderful place to start.
“Bouncy Houses and Hand Foot and Mouth Disease”
Yes, it’s possible! But please do not confuse this with Hoof and Mouth Disease (if you are a farm animal you may be reading the wrong blog). Many parents forget to worry about this problem because they’re distracted by the deafening noise of the air pumps in the facility.
“Is Déjà vu real?”
This query was most common for parents who watch “The Fresh Beat Band” with their five-year-olds. “Wait, this is a new episode, why do I feel like I’ve seen this before?” is the most common follow-up.
“What are the nutritional benefits of pizza and hot dogs?”
Lots to read up on with this one but beware; the “Count the Pickle as a Vegetable” parent-group is very aggressive.
“Toys R Us and severe case of Hebejebes”
Hebejebes may sound like a sugarcoated snack, but parents describe the sensation as “feeling like I must find an exit” or “deep regret that I walked through the princess aisle with my daughter fully alert.” In most cases, the heartbeat usually returns to a normal pace when waiting in line, which should take you about twenty to thirty minutes depending on who is returning a Polly Pocket dream vacation spa without a receipt.
“Can laundry detergent give me supernatural powers?”
Many an ego has been inflated after removing an “impossible” stain such as grass, mud or blood, but before you try to lift up a car, take a deep breath and spill some red wine on your favorite white linen dress. You will be appropriately humbled.
“Sleep Training and baldness”
This is not so much a mystery when you think about it. I maintain there should be more chapters on this in books. Here is my own advice: When you curl up against the wall and wait for your child to stop crying (aka screaming) you should sit on your hands, and not hold them against your hair and pull.
And finally, what search history would be complete without two perennial favorites?
“Can imaginary friends spread conjunctivitis?”
Given the contagious nature of pink eye is there any wonder parents might worry when a child tells them her imaginary friend was sent home sick from school? Hearing about head lice is equally disturbing. If you can get an email address for the invented friend’s mother, it is certainly OK to drop her a line.
Remember, a Google search for your pediatrician’s home phone number does not usually end well, so stick to the office hours, and never try any of this at home.
Tips the Parenting Magazines Won’t Tell You is an occasional satirical series. Click here for past posts.
This week on The Educated Mom we look at Pluralistic Ignorance and why it might be a useful phrase for parents.