Saturday, February 18, 2017

Dogs React to Latest Homework Assignment

Dogs everywhere are reacting to the high-pitched notes  produced by the latest round of third graders issued those slim, but loud, musical instruments-- recorders.

"First of all, I wouldn't call them 'notes'," said Wilson, a shorthaired Terrier in Hopewell, New Jersey. "It sounds more like when my owner tries to sing along with Adele in the car. It's not pretty. I may move back into the dog house.”

Other dogs do not have that option.

Snickers, a rescue Beagle recently adopted by a family with third-grade twins, reported constant ringing in his ears ever since the boys brought home their instruments.

“I mean, it’s in stereo. As soon as one stops, the other starts. And what can I say? Would I rather be sleeping on a concrete floor in a kill-shelter? I don’t think so, but this…this is not what I expected when they told me I was moving to the suburbs.”

A representative from the Association of Concerned Dogs said the group has no official policy when it comes to dealing with the instruments. In 2014, Ralph, a spirited Pug from Lawrenceville with his own YouTube Channel,  created instructional videos on how to best destroy wooden recorders without getting splinters. Since then, schools have switched to issuing plastic instruments and Ralph has suffered from bouts of colitis.

Princess, a Maltese puppy, said she didn't understand how "homework" could involve anything besides sitting and rolling over and wearing barrettes in her fur.  As it stands, she's seen no improvement in behavior.

"Generally speaking, offering peanut butter is a good idea. I think the kid needs more incentive." 

Cats, fish, and birds have reported little disturbance with the exception of parrots, many of which have been heard repeating the phrase, “When will it stop? When will it stop? When will it stop?”

Like Girl Scout cookies, distribution of recorders is staggered across the country. Not all dogs have encountered the high-pitched sounds and squeaks of the wind instruments-- yet.

“It’s going to be a rough spring,” howled Bacon, a Dachshund whose brother, More Bacon, lives in Scottsdale. “Should I tell him, or not tell him? Honestly, even if I had thumbs I’m not sure texting him the news would be much good. I see him every few years at our family reunion. All I can hope is the kid doesn’t start the flute next, you know?”

Music teachers, meanwhile, say the unit on recorders is especially important.

No one knows why.

Next up: The Media Diet: How to lose five pounds of periodicals without even trying.

This post is part of my: Tips the Parenting Magazines Won’t Tell You, an occasional satirical series.  As always, thanks for reading and drop me a line. I'm posting more on my new blog and website:  and sometimes on Twitter. @writeonsarah

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ps: the photo of the dog is from Sportingnews--and is of a very well bred Bulldog at the Westminster Dog Show.